Some Troubling Thoughts

I was out and about today, taking care of business that needed taking care of. In one establishment, a person who I know in her professional position, asked me how I was doing. It was said with the "look" and "tone" that has come with many of the questions like that have come since the matter about my son's father made the front page of our local paper.



I am so frustrated and angry and just... angry at the nightmare this man is putting my family through. I find myself sitting here wondering why... not there is anything beyond a rather sick mental illness that could explain it. I am just soooo angry....



Then I keep hearing "rumours" that his wife seems to be spreading. I got a knock at the door the other day with someone wondering why I wasn't in jail? This person was saying that he had been told by a "reliable" source that I was involved in the crimes my son's father had perpetrated and that I had been aware of them.



I was horrified! Of course, having lived in this horrible town most all of my life, I know how the rumours are. A running joke of mine for years was I wished I was having as much fun as 'everyone' said I was. I also know the evil things that this woman will say about me... things like telling people I slept with all of his friends... sort of funny because HE was the one that chased after me when I was with one of his best friends way back 25 years ago. Back when I was 16 and he was 22...



Anyway, I know it isn't true and I know that it is all either plain gossip or his wife stirring shit so she looks like the hero... covering herself since it made the paper that she knew for a while before telling police... Still it is frustrating.



Then I hear through the grapevine that my Uncle has supposedly told someone that she shouldn't have got upset over a few pictures. OK when I told my Uncle about the situation the day after the arrest and I found out, his response was so genuine, tears filled his eyes as he realized just exactly what was done and he looked at me and said "I want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again." He had already stopped socializing with him unless I was around anyway. Then another rumour was spread that my Uncle was going to go bail him out... this was especially funny since my Uncle already knew he was being held without bail.



Of course the source of the rumours was this woman...



Then I hear from someone that I had called CPS on her about drugs... oh yeah... sure.



Although I suspect she does indeed have a drug use problem based on rumours about town and some of the people she chooses to associate with and because of the situation that arose when my sons father and I were in mediation over visitation. That situation was that I requested that she have to undergo a psych eval to evaluate her risk to my son and I wanted her to undergo random drug testing to ensure she wasn't using drugs if she was going to be around my son, that or a no contact order between her and my son. My son's father initially argued it, I pushed for it, and the mediator was leaning towards recommending it when he finally said that a no contact order would be fine with him. This did raise suspicion that she may be using drugs.



Of course in light of the arrest, it could be that she was already aware of his horrific crimes and that he didn't want her to have any way to get information to anyone through a psych eval or having to undergo drug testing. Hard to say really. Although she had told me on the phone that she had known since February (which would have been a couple of weeks before he filed the custody papers and 2 months before mediation) she also told law enforcement she had only known a couple of weeks... so who knows.



Anyway, I certainly wouldn't make a CPS report over something like that unless I knew 100%. Although I do believe that CPS or law enforcement should be pursuing child endangerment charges against her, I know she must have cut some sort of deal with them with wearing the wire she wore to get him to admit he was guilty.



I admit, it angers me that she is not going to face any legal repercussions for withholding evidence and attempting to protect this man. I think about the what she saw in the way of evidence and I want to vomit. Here she is proclaiming herself to be a Christian and she saw some things that were truly horrific and instead of turning him into the police... she gave him a choice to go to counseling or have her turn him in? THEN on top of that, she let this SICK man be alone with her daughter, alone with her grandson AFTER she knew what he was capable of. I cannot begin to tell you just how unchristian like I feel towards both of them at this moment.



My babies all have been hurt because of his actions and her inaction's. Even if she had only known for the two weeks like she proclaims... that is 2 weeks sooner he would have been off the streets and unable to do the horrible things he was capable of.



I am still trying to come to terms with the anger I am feeling towards the two of them.



A mutual acquaintance was telling me how she had to go to a local charitable organization for assistance this last week. Yet she had told a family member of mine (probably unaware that they were related to me and would talk to me) that she had waited to "put all her ducks in a row". Now if I were putting ducks in a row, I certainly would have done something like GOT A JOB so my kids could eat and have utilities. But she didn't do that. So again, she is either lying to some people to make herself look better or lying to other people to get sympathy and hand outs.



Well whatever... I can't change them all I can do is work on how I let them affect me. I know that I am allowing them free rent in my head. I am trying to work through this. I don't know right at this moment how to let the anger and resentment go. I suspect it is one of those things that time will take care of. Time and being able to move out of the area.



Right now that is my goal ~ when I go to court for the modification of the child custody and visitation orders ~ I am going to request that the move away clause be lifted and I be allowed to move out of the area. I have a friend that has offered to put the children and I up in her home until we are able to locate suitable housing in her area. It is an area that I really feel like I would be comfortable living in. And to top it all off a rather exciting bit was learned today~ a friend here in my home town is moving to the same area. She will be less than 45 minutes from the area that I am considering. So I would have some connections besides just my friend that is there.



With all of it, I am having to trust GOD and trust his timing and know that I really have no control over the outcome of any of this. I just have to do my best to do the right things and stay the right path.