Happy Birthday Stupid

Well...

Troubled Thoughts... I had an interesting experience with these the last few days. I chose to avoid putting much on to paper about them until I had a chance to sort through them a bit.

My good friend and I went to breakfast the other morning as has become our habit the last few months. She is such a strong woman and such an anchor for me. I do not know where I would be without having had here be there so much for me the last few months. Just an awesome and inspiring woman and I am so grateful to have her as a friend.

We got settled down to our breakfast~ and she asks how I am doing. I say fine and start telling her about the stuff the kids and I have been doing. All the activities that Elizabeth has been involved in and the stuff that I have been doing. She let me ramble~ then...

She asked me how I was dealing with other things. She told me that she was concerned because anytime she asks me how I am doing I say good, great, etc...

So we talked...

First about my Mom... I miss her so much sometimes. I have had to not think about it just to survive. Mom was my best friend. We fought like a couple of Tasmanian Devils at times. I can remember some really nasty fights. But no matter what, I always loved her and she always loved me.

I talked about the last big fight we had got into. Looking back~ Mom was right. (Don't you hate that? Mom's know a whole lot more than we ever give them credit for.) Mom had had enough of the garbage between my son's father and I. She was totally and completely exasperated at it all. So one day she let me have it. She was furious at what the relationship was doing to our family. Of course, I was very defensive of this man and Mom and I ended up not talking to each other for several weeks because of it.

Eventually we came to an understanding~ but that relationship was a sore spot for her until the day she died. She had gone from loving this man, treating him as one of her own children, to having nothing but contempt for him. That contempt for him affected our relationship. Even though there was an understanding between Mom and I... my relationship with this man... well it hurt my relationship with my Mom. I am forever sad that I didn't listen to her. I am also somewhat grateful that she was not here when we found out just what type of man he really was.

Mom would have been devastated to know what he did to her grandbabies and to other children. She also would have been angry, to the point that just the knowledge of what he had done might have killed her because of the stress.

The night before she died~ he rode in the ambulance with her. I think about it today and I wonder... I wonder why? Why act like he cared about her, knowing who he really is? I don't know... it makes me sad to know that one of the last memories she had before she passed was him... I feel bad that I even on her death bed, I made her deal with this guy.

But... I know that my Mom forgives me for it. She had such an amazing heart~ I do miss her ever so much. There are days when it is totally overwhelming. All I can do is go through the motions of making it through the day...

(More to come later... I have to deal with this emotional crap for a bit)

Rant

You may have seen that I had a rant session a bit ago~

I am in a fairly good mood given what I have dealt with today. I am going to do a little emotional throw up here though. I know that it is important for me to get it out of my head and onto the "paper" so that I do not let it all fester inside and become a pain in my arse.

I met with my therapist today. Now this is usually a good thing. But today, she forced me to take a look at things that I really have been trying to avoid dealing with.

One of the issues that we discussed today is that I have been functioning through all the stresses of this last year because in part I have not dealt with things. When thoughts of the crap that have happened come along, I get my thoughts onto other things so that I don't get caught up in the negative thinking.

My therapist has allowed me to do this. Knowing that I will deal with things in time. However, today she was concerned because of my reaction to her question~

She asked me "How are you feeling?" I looked at her and said "Pretty good" so then she says "Have you heard anything about Ron?"...

This is where her concern kicked in. I told her no, I hadn't heard anything and I don't want to hear anything until I hear that he has been convicted and that his sentence is long enough that I never have to deal with him again. I don't think it was what I said so much as the tone and body language she saw with my response.

She looked at me, when I responded and asked me again "How are you feeling?" Uggg....

Over all~ I am feeling pretty good. Life over all is good. In regards to "him"~ at that point I didn't know exactly what I felt. I am over the real anger. I am still hurt and disappointed.

Hurt at the violation of trust. As I told my therapist, I trusted this man with the most precious thing in my life, my children. And he violated them. I am angry at myself for not recognizing any warning signs at his depravity. I also am very angry at myself for letting him back in my life EVER but especially in February of 2008.

I had kicked him out, I had moved forward, I was dating, I was setting good boundries in my life. And then he sent that stupid email at valentines... telling me all the bullshit lies that I fell for hook line and sinker. I know looking back that I should have just ignored him. But I was stupid...

As my therapist and I talked...

Why am I avoiding so much of this stuff? Just stuffing it away until another day? It boils down to one basic element... In dealing with all of this stuff with MrStupid~ although he needs to be held accountable for his actions and my belief is that accountability really should be dying in prison. The bottom line is that he could NOT have done what he did to my babies if I had not allowed him in my life to start with. My daughter would not have been horrendously violated the way she was IF I had not let him in my life. My son would not be growing up without a father if I had not allowed him in my life. My other daughter wouldn't be so confused about things if I had not allowed this man in my life.

I am guilty of allowing him in my life and I am responsible for the hurt and pain my babies have gone through at the hands of this man.While he is culpable for his actions... I am just as culpable for becoming involve with him, allowing him access to my children, creating a child with him... all while he was cheating on his wife. I knew he was a liar. Yet for some stupid reason I thought he wasn't lying to me...

Like I told my therapist, I KNEW the relationship was wrong. I would find strength and push the man out of my life and then I would let him wiggle his way back in. I am SO stupid! And that is the bottom line... that is where it is at for me. Why I am avoiding dealing with all this. Because I am at fault for the injury this man did to my family. I failed to protect them. I put them in harms way. All because I believed the liar...

RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT

Good Evening Friends and Family

I haven't wrote here much because life has been good for the most part. Not much in the way of troubling thoughts...

However...

I had an interaction today with someone and it has me aggitated and in a foul mood.

A person who knows my son's father was asking if I had heard anything about what is happening with him. As I tell everyone, NO, Ihaven't heard and I really don't want to hear. Unless there is something happening that is going to directly affect me or my children I could care less what happens to that man. As far as I am concerned he is dead and I never want to have anything to do with him.

This person asked me if I was going to let my little man see his Dad when Dad gets out. "Hell no" was my answer. I then got a lecture how he wasn't a threat to a boy child and I was being unreasonable...

UNFRIGGIN REAL!

Unreasonable? This man perpetrated CRIMES against children. I do not care of "child erotica" is not considered illegal~ it should be and in my opinion the fact that he had in his possession pictures of my baby girl in sexually explicit positions, just because she had underwear on, did not make it any less of a crime against my child.

As long as I have breath in my body and control over my child the man will NEVER see his son NEVER EVER NEVER EVER. And if that makes me a bad person than oh too fucking bad~ I am a bad person. I will NOT forget the damage this man did to my children. I may go to hell for not forgetting and if that is the case... well then that is the case. If God wants to hold me accountable for not forgetting that this man VIOLATED the innocence of children...

I can forgive him by not seeking revenge. I will not however provide him an opportunity to EVER hurt one of my children again. I will burn in hell if that is what is expected of me. I will do what I can, within my means to ensure my children are safe.

I have already spoke to an attorney and I know that I have many options available to me to protect my girls and my son beyond the restraining order. I will be taking the actions needed to protect my children. If it means that I move to another country all together to prevent his having any contact, then that is what I will do.

I was going over some videos and pictures the other day and came very close to hitting delete. Then I thought about it...

For my son, the only thing he will ever have of his father will be those few sound bites before he turned 4 months old and the pictures. It will be a careful balancing act for me to let him know that his Daddy loved him but his Daddy is not safe for him to be around.

I sit here tonight in tears... knowing that because of my choice to have the affair with this man and then his choice to harm children, mean that our son will be affected all the days of his life... the sins of the father truly are passed down to the next generation....

Rant....

rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant

OK I feel better now...

I am feeling

EXTREMELY angry and resentful tonight...

After a fairly good day, where I obtained my restraining order and sole custody of my son and started solidifying plans to move, my son's father's psycho wife decided to try and contact me. So she wrote me a note, I wrote her back, she wrote back again.

I have never blamed the woman for being upset at my having had an affair with her husband. Duh... like being upset is a natural reaction to such things and I would expect it.

What pissed me off at her was her little evil things she did while claiming to be "A Child of God", a "Good" Christian Woman... a bunch of bullshit...

Things like calling my ex-husband and telling lies to him. Lies that he tried to bring into court when we were in the middle of our custody trial. Thankfully the insane things she said I was able to counter with actual EVIDENCE that she was talking out her ass. Made my Ex look like a total idiot in court, but none the less caused a lot of unnecessary strife in an already high conflict relationship between he and I.

Leaving notes on my and her husband's car to me (AFTER he filed his divorce from her). Posting public messages on my blogs that were truly vile. Bringing my innocent then 5 year old into her hate by saying something about a matter she knew nothing about. Something had my daughter heard about it at that time, would NEVER have understood. I had to explain to my baby why it was that her biological father chose to not have a relationship with her to protect her from this evil woman saying something to someone that would get back to my daughter.

Then she protects her husband, hides evidence, withholds information and LIES to people all in an effort to "save" her marriage.

Anyway...

Tonight I realized something, she had no idea that I was the one that asked her husband to leave my house last September. Actually, I gave him a choice, and his choice was to go back to his wife. From that moment on, I was through. I admit I fell for his lines one last time right when our son was born, but it only lasted a few weeks and I saw what he was up too and I locked him out of my house.

I swear, I am so grateful to be getting the hell out of this town! I am so sick of the games these people play. I will be so grateful to have it behind me and be able to move on to a nice serene life without the craziness...

I know one thing, if this woman is a "real" Christian... I never want anything to do with Christianity again. But I know, ANYONE who protects a pedophile is NOT a Christian and they too will rot in hell with the pedophile... especially when the victims of the pedophilia behaviors are family members and the protector KNOWS it.

I do not have forgiveness in my heart for either of these people. They are both evil and disgusting people. Maybe someday I will forgive them... who knows...