My Sons Father

Life has been a whirlwind of chaos and stress...

For those who have followed the happenings between my sons father and I... things took a rather dramatic and unexpected turn a couple of weeks ago. My sons father has been incarserated for a rather horrible crime. It is one of those crimes that shock and make you question the reality of life.

Never in a million years, had a police officer not come to my home to tell me and explain what evidence they had, would I have believed it. Just so unbelievable that someone I loved, someone I created a life with could be so deviant and sick... just overwhelming at times to think this person was someone I thought I could spend my life with.

It has me questioning my own self. 25+ years I have known this man, 25+ years he has been an active part of my life andto find out that he was capable of something so henious is just... I don't know the word for it. Just a sense of disbelief that I could not see that this man was so emotionally ill that he could perpetrate this kind of crime against another human being.

Then to add to my disbelief is the fact that his wife was AWARE of his crome for some time prior to turning him into the police. Although I am grateful that she finally did disclose his criminal behavior to police, I am also just SHOCKED that she did not do it sooner. In fact she had told him that she WOULDN'T turn him in if he sought counseling! My opinion is that this woman is just as sick as he is...

Processing all of this is somewhat overwhelming. I just do not know what to believe anymore... what I once would have swore could never happen happened and I learned that people, even people you think you know deeply, are not just deceptive but can have an entire life that they hide.

So at this point, I am looking at being a single parent for the rest of my son's childhood. 18 years alone... and why do you ask alone... well after the experience with this man that I have had, I do not know HOW I can trust myself to get involved in a relationship with another man without there being constant questioning of what they might be hiding, what they might be doing when not with me, it brings a whole new level of my trust issues to the forefront.

There is nothing I would not do for my children. Seeing that because of my choices, I risked my children's safety by being exposed to this man... I just cannot imagine opening myself up to that kind of trauma again. It was HORRIFYING to learn just the amount of risk my children were put in because of this. I look back and wonder was there something I should have seen? Something I missed that would have warned me? And honestly I can say yes there were... however NOTHING that could have prepared me for the level of his monsterous acts. But there were red flags to his emotional instability...

Now I have to live with the guilt that is a byproduct of having exposed my children to this man, the guilt that comes for my youngest son who will now grow up without his father because of the acts of his father, the guilt of thinking ~ well a mutual aquantance made the comment that they had heard something about this man having a suicide attempt~ and my first thought was GOOD. I know that it is not a nice thing to say. But there is resentment that this man did so much harm to so many lives.

I want so bad to just pack up my babies right now and move far far away from anyone who knows anything about the horrible things this man did. I have a large amount of guilt that I didn't recognize anything that would have warned me that he was capable of this that there was nothing I could do to protect the innocent lives that have been so hurt by all of this.

My therapist told me that in the interactions that she had with him, she didn't see any red flags that would indicate that he was capable of this sort of thing. Like she said, she is a professional and didn't see anything so it really isn't my fault that I didn't see anything. I guess at this point it is something I am going to have to work through over time.

SO more than likely you will see frequent posts here as I try to come to terms with the emotional backlash that this is bringing to my life.

Right now, today, as far as I am concerned, the man is dead. He may be living and breasthing in some jail cell, but I want absolutely NOTHING to do with him. The first night he was arrested and I was made aware of what was going on, I reached out to his wife because I was geniunely concerned about her....

But then she opened her mouth... she told me she had known about his horrible acts for sometime prior to turning the information over to police. She told me that she gave him a choice to go to jail or go to counseling... a choice? Can I just say... in my opinion there was NO CHOICE. What he did was so horrific that jail should have been the only choice. She went on to tell me she had to pray about turning him in... PRAY ABOUT IT? As I sat there listening to her... the thought went through my head that in her position, the ONLY prayer I would have been saying is "GOD, keep me from killing this man before I get to the police" as I was leaving my home at that exact moment of making the discovery to get to the police.

I just cannot comprehend how a person could let someone like this man to be out in public where he endangered so many lives because of his capabilities and disregard for the lives he destroyed because of his actions. I cannot fathom how as a Mother, Sister, Aunt, Grandmother, Friend, or female that this woman could try to protect this man from the police. I just sit in disbelief that she felt she could give him a choice or that she had to pray about it. I sit in disbelief that she allowed him to be out and about where he could have victimize more than what he already had. Yet that is what this woman did...

I truly do not understand. I don't understand him and his sick behavior, I do not understand her and her sick behavior... But I guess understanding would mean I would have to be as sick as them.

Well time for me to get things ready for some happy and exciting things happening in my life! I'll be back with more troubled thoughts on all of this mess later...