Although this is more "Joyful" than "Troubled" I am sharing in the Troubled Thoughts blog because that is how this whole thought process began today.

Bright and early this morning I met with my therapist. I am such a morning person, so this works really well. We spent our session discussing some coping techniques I could use for the upcoming changes that will be and are happening. Things like setting my daughter up with the ability to do video chat on her computer so that she and I can "visit" everyday or close to everyday. It is going to be tough once they actually move and she isn't here everyday. Even though some days I only am with her for a half hour or so, it still is everyday and I have been able to be involved with everything she does, know all her friends, and just spend time together. I am trying to ready myself for her absence and have ways set up for her and I to continue to be involved with each others lives as much as possible living 8 hours apart.

I still would like to be able to move near her in the future. Right now it isn't a viable option with my son's Dad being so active in his life. But time will tell if that changes and so not closing the door on it as an option just looking at it as something "in the future". Until then I am going to do what I can to make life here as comfortable and fun as I can.

So we talked about the coping things and plans for adjusting to the changes. One of the really GREAT ideas she shared with me was something I sort of knew I could be doing but have come up with a ton of excuses to not do it. Several year ago, before my sons father came back into my life, I was involved in a TON of things. Church, Co-Dependent Recovery programs, being a child visitation supervisor, sitting on a couple of community program boards, and so on. Between my stuff and the kids stuff I had lots of interactions with people.

When I got involved with my son's father, for various reasons, those activities ceased. I cannot blame him, because it wasn't about him, it was about me.

Anyway, my therapist mentioned I could/should get back involved in some of these things.
I have a really nice home church again. I feel very comfortable there and have had a lot of emotional support from the folks there. Of course it helps that many of the people have known me since I was a small child and I went to school with a couple of the women my own age. This a home church that just feels right. Now I just need to get back in the habit of going EVERY week, instead of hit and miss. I'll be taking my daughter with me and see how she likes the children's church program. I know if she likes it, then she will want to go every week and sort of encourage (make) me go. She is attending the church she is going to because honestly... they don't "require" me to go too. Like I said, if she likes the children's church at my church she will be ON me to go every week.

I found an awesome 12 step group that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE. The ladies there are totally amazing and WOW! They call me on my bullshit and support me through my struggles and are just fantastic. I also love the group because although not a "Christian" based group like Celebrate Recovery was, they still tend to refer to biblical teachings in a great deal of their recovery processing. Certainly in the world of co-dependency, the three I interact with the most have a lot of insight and are uplifting. I am also watching a young lady in our group go through so much of what I did at an early age, that I feel a kinship to her that is creating a bond between us.
So I have started to branch out... I am contemplating things to do this summer that will help continue this. I know summer is tough for social groups but I am looking into some options that are available. Hoping that there are a couple of things to help get me out of the house and into my community...

After my appointment with my therapist, it was off to breakfast with my friend. She offered to take both of the kids for a few hours to give me a break. Sh tells me that my face totally changed when she made the offer. She said she could see the tension just RISE and stress set in while I just sat there.

I told her, I am really NOT ready to be away from my little guy. The thought just sends me into small anxiety attacks. I know he is almost five months old and I am probably being a little over protective... but I know I am just not ready for it. Maybe soon. Maybe not. My friend had an interesting bit of insight on it. She was saying that from where she was at, as an outsider, that my getting so anxious about having the little man out of my sight could be because of all the losses that I have endured since his birth. She may be right. I know I wasn't this paranoid about leaving any of the other kids. Of course with all accept Josh, the first time or two I "left" them, they were with my Mom. It could be that not having her around is what is causing part of the anxiety. Who knows.

As we talked we came up with a couple of things to do this summer together with the kids. Since her son and my daughter are the same age, it makes activities a little easier to plan. Right now we are setting up plans for a picnic at the park either this weekend or next. I am thinking next weekend because with graduation and the kids grandparents being here from Jersey I will want something to distract me from not being with them for this like really huge step in life.
We are also going to see about taking a day trip to Reno. Hit the zoo on the way into Reno, then lunch at one of the kid friendly casinos. then off to the water park for the afternoon. Maybe do it on a weekend I have my older daughter here this summer. Just so she can do something really fun with us too instead of just staying home.

So I am doing what my therapist suggested and I am getting out... socializing.

I have another issue, that I discussed with both my therapist and my friend. It has to do with my sons father.

Since he and I went to mediation, things have been... I don't know how to explain it... just sort of weird. When he is here visiting with the boy, it is as if he is part of the family. He settles in like he lives here, the kids all act like he belongs here, and I guess in a way I do too. He does little household "things", like helping the little one fix her bike, running the cable for the tv into the bedrooms, fixing little odds and ends that need to be fixed. Most of it without being asked. If he is here when I am fixing supper, I invite him to join us. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. When he does, we sit at the table and it is like a family.
So I was talking to both of these ladies about it today. Because I am like really confused. He still lives with his wife, has made no indication that he will ever leave her again, makes comments about doing things for/with her. Then he turns around and just settles in here like he belongs and he makes comments about the future for us and I don't know... it is weird.

In actuality, at this point in my life, this situation works. Although I know eventually I will get to a point where this isn't working, for now... it is acceptable. He has his life with her, I have my life with me and my kids, and when it suits us or when it is visitation time, we come together and share something (exactly what the something is I am not sure). He takes care of his business, I take care of my business and the only things that "we" take care of together is stuff related to our son and the occasional "personal" stuff. Like I said sort of weird.

My therapist asked how this was working for me. Like I said, it is working. There are no expectations, no promises between us, just this odd sort of companionship that happens as it may. I know at some point this isn't going to work for me anymore. I think more than anything it is comfort of the familiar that makes it non stressful for me. With all that has gone on the last 5 months, even if he isn't "there" 24/7 like I had hoped he would, his being there in a fairly predictable pattern (aside from his now working) is easier to deal with than any of the other alternatives.

As I drank my coffee with my friend, we talked about this. She and I talked about some of the alternatives. Once I got to explaining she understood. Her only concern was that I am not setting myself up to be wounded by him again. She remembers how bad it got in the past. So we talked...
I think the difference for me now versus when Allen was born, now I just don't have expectations. Although I love this man and would like to have a future with him, I have come to a place where... where I am ok if he is around and ok if he isn't. I know that no matter if he is around or not I am still ok. He doesn't "complete" me... if he is around and if he is a compliment to my completeness life is good. If he isn't around and isn't playing head games, life is good. If he is around or not around and playing games, I can and WILL draw the boundary line like I did back in January.

Through all of the turmoil of the last 2 years and 4 months the BIGGEST thing (besides our son) that has happened is for me having a totally NEW and totally clear understanding of my self worth and to be able to stand up for myself, my needs, my desires and not feel like I have to compromise myself to be in a relationship.

My friend wondered if I might be compromising some of my values with the current sitch. Yes and no... mostly no. If I feel that shift more to yes or even more to center I will have to reevaluate things. But for now... it is ok.