April 3 Troubled Thoughts

Uggg...

This just totally sucks.

Today my son had a doctors appointment. His father offered to give us a ride instead of us having to walk. So I went ahead and said ok~ the weather is cold and icky right now and I know it would be childish to not accept the ride. So he comes over and off we go together to take the baby to the doctors.

I am sure what happened was just a habit on his part but he called me a term of endearment and it frustrated me to no end. I want to know what right he thinks he has to use terms of endearment with me? As we were driving to the doctors he told me that I looked attractive today. All I said in response was thank you. A part of me wanted to tell him to just the **** up it wasn't something he had a right to be commenting on. But I am learning to not say things just because I think them.

Then he came to tonights visit with the baby, he was late to start with. Then things were a little chaotic because my 13 year old was here. Then a friend stopped by. So my son's father ended his visit with the baby early. I am sure it was because of the loudness and people here. I sent him a note apologizing and let him know that I would try to make things more peaceful for any future visits. This included me having a talk with my daughter and telling her that for now on she can't be at my house when he is visiting her little brother.

That was hard to do. I love getting every little extra minute I can get with my daughter. Having to tell her she just can't be here when he is visiting made me feel like once more the baby was more important than she is. Guilt once more just enveloped me. I hate that my stupidity in life has made it so I do have to chose one child's needs over another child's. I know that it is my own fault that I am in the position...

I am trying not to be angry with myself for causing all this crap in my life. I am trying to just learn to live with the consequences of my actions and do my best to make my mistakes have the least affect on my kids as I can. I feel like a horrible failure at it...

Tonight I just want to give up. All my life, all I wanted to do was be a Mom. And I have been able to be one for 23 years but my poor kids... I feel so bad that I even gave birth t any of them because of all they have had to go through because of me. I know I can't change the past and I have to just go forward from here on out trying to make better choices for them. But it doesn't stop the very real pain in my heart for hurting their little lives so much because of my mistakes...