So later today is mediation~ where my son's father and I will decide how we are going to share our son. I am just a tad resentful that I am having to do this in the first place. You know, the way I had invisioned it, he and I would be together raising our little guy together. Not me having to let go of him to go off with his father for periods of time where I am not allowed to see him or be with me. I am not there to respond to his cries, comfort him, or just watch him in all of his wonderfulness. Like right now, he is laying next to me sleepig, but he must be having good dreams because he gets a little smile o his face and looks so perfect...

I know it is selfish to not want to share him. After all his father does love him. But dammit, he also says he loves me. I know it is projecting and I shouldn't do it, but I sit sometimes and think... if he loves this baby the way he says he loves me, does that mean if things get tough with the little guy he walks out on him? Does it mean that if the little guy is having a bad day he runs away so he doesn't have to deal with it? Does it mean that when the baby needs him the most he isn't there for him? Does it mean when he has done something to hurt th little guy, he won't face him and hides so he doesn't have to deal with him?

I am worried about mediation. I know it is critical that I stay calm and relaxed and in control. I also know I need to go in with some sleep, yet sleep is eluding me completely. I am drained after my son's father and I got into it on Saturday/Sunday. It exhausted me emotionally, mentally and physically. I just don't know what to do about it.

I wish there were a crystal ball~ be able to look into the future and see what is in store.

What makes this whole thing all the harder is balancing what is right for my son, what is right for me emotionally, and what is right for my son's father. There are so much that needs to be taken into consideration. I just don't know what to do.

Real quick run down~ Friday my son's father made a couple of comments that were, in my opinion, give the situation, inappropriate. He remarked about my appearance, used terms of endearment several times, and the in an email said he had been jealous of not having my attention during his visit with our son.

I was really affected by his comments. It had me whirling. Here he is, living with, sleeping, being with his wife and he is saying he still loves me and making comments like those that indicate he wants a relationship still. I just cannot do the type of relationship he wants. I can't be his mistress. It is just something I cannot do. I tried, because I did love him so much and wanted so badly to have him in my life. But the consequences of it were just too much emotionally for me to keep doing.

I do love him, with every thing I've got to love with. Even after all we have been through, he hasn't killed the love. However, what has happened is my making a self discovery that I have self worth and value and that I deserve more in life than a man who is not commited to me or our relationship.

Does he love me? I cannot honestly answer that. Actions say, probably not. He swears he does. So who knows. Only him and God and maybe not even him for sure.

Anyway, after the comments he had made, I made the decision that it would be better if the visits started happening without me present. The thought of this terrifies me. Not that he would do anything to hurt our son, just being away from the baby causes me such anxiety. I hate the idea. BUT... as much as I hate the idea of being away from the baby, I know I cannot afford the emotional upheavel of my son's father making the comments to me like he did on Friday.

So I sent him a message telling him this. His response was to cancel his visit. His reason, he can't face me right now. I was LIVID! I mean seeing red pissed off wanted to scream livid. I had to face this man day after day when it hurt so bad I thought I would die from how bad it hurt. I wasn't allowed time to feel more balanced or able to deal with him. I had to suck it up and do the right thing for our son. Yet he just gives up his visit because he cant face me right now. Why couldn't he face me? Hell if I know...

I went back over the message I had sent him to see if I had said something that was out of line. I couldn't see anything inappropriate. I pointed out the behavior that I found unacceptable, I provided a solution to stop the behavior from happening, I gave him an opportunity to respond. His response was so off the wall...

And it escalated... 3am on Sunday we are both awake sending emails back and forth. It was ugly... I don't regret anything I said to him during that. I know that unless he is able to make changes in his life, there is no hope. And I cannot just sit and wait for him to decide if he is ever going to make the changes. In the words of a dear friend "You Deserve Better". She tells me that on a regular basis. And these days I am seeing and believing it.

When you love someone, really love someone, there isn't much in the world you won't do for them. But there comes a point when the person is not doing anything for themselves that you just have to use tough love. A person has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer consequences for their behavior.

A friend of mine was telling me her ideas about love~ she said that we can love a person but still protect ourselves from their behavior. She was telling me how for years she kept rescuing her son from the stupidity he got himself into. She said she did it because she loved her son. Then she went on to say that no, really she wasn't doing it because she loved the child,(although she truly did/does love him) she was doing it to protect herself from the pain and heartache of seeing her son destroy his life. She said her opinion of the relationship between my sons father and I was one where I kept taking him back, not because I loved him, rather it was to protect myself from feeling the pain of him not being with me.

OK, so there is truth to that. Although I do love him, I didn't take him back time after time because I loved him, I did it because I wanted to stop the heartache and pain I was experiencing. Yet what happened in doing that, is that I wasn't taking care of me. I didn't have boundaries, I wasn't showing myself self respect, I wasn't loving ME and so neither did this man.

Anyway in about 12 hours there will be some sort of resolution to all of this. It is just a matter of wait and see. I am going to try and get some rest.