So another day of dealing with troubled thoughts~ HOWEVER~ I am sitting here tonight feeling more positive about my future than I have in some time.
My day yesterday was one of those where nothing went as planned. Not that I had a lot of plans to start with. A little housework, a trip to the store, and spending time with the kids.
The baby woke up fussy and spent the entire day fussy. He wanted to be held all day long. He would go to sleep in my arms, I would lay him down and instantly he was awake and fussing. If I left him laying down he would work himself into a frenzy of crying. Ended up that I had about a total of 2 hours all day that he didn't have to be held. Ever flip pancakes with a baby in your arms? It is an interesting experience for sure.
Little ones fussiness limited the housework I was able to do. I did get a few small things done though.
The trip to the store was cancelled when the temprature just never really warmed up and the wind was blowing all day. I just wasn't up to walking all the way to the store with the cold and wind.
My 13 year old had gone to a friends house Saturday night, the girls stayed up all night! Well 3am. My daughter went home early in the morning and slept for a couple of hours decided she wanted a nap and slept from noon until after 6. So much for spending time together.
The baby and my 6 year old and I did spend some fun time together. We snuggled and sang songs and played a couple of fun little games.
The day was spent mostly just holding the baby and thinking...
I found myself a little resentful that my sons father wasn't around to help out a little. You know, hold the baby for a little while so I could get some of the cleaning done or for me to go to the bathroom or take a shower. I know it is rather silly to be resentful~ it's just that it would be nice to parent together instead of him just visiting with the baby and me doing the work part.
So tonight when my son's father came to visit, the baby was WAY fussy. He was doing the random crying nothing comforts him thing. Baby's father was getting frustrated. He made a couple of snide comments about me spoiling the boy and then made a couple of comments about how he wasn't doing something right to make the baby cry like he was. I tried to explain to him that the baby does this a couple two or three nights a week. Of course, my son's father in typical martyr fashion said "Yeah whenever I am here". I wanted to smack the man. He hasn't had to deal with it hardly at all. I think like 3 times in the 12 weeks since our son was born he has had the fussy crying inconsolable baby. Most of the time the baby is happy and smiling and giggling for his father. I have had the icky trying to figure out how to hold him, rock him, walk him, bounce him, sooth him for a couple of hours of the crying bouts like I said a few times a week. We are talking like a 10 to 1 ratio of dealing with it.
Anyway, I didn't get in my son's fathers face about it. Wanted too... thought about it. But I took a big girl pill and just tried to reassure him it wasn't about him, it was the baby and help him with some ideas to try. Not that he listened or did anything I suggested but oh well at least I have a clear concience that I did the right thing for my son and his relationship with his father.
Tonight I sit here and think, he gets so butt hurt that the baby isn't just perfect when he visits. Makes comments that blame me for it and where is he when I am having to deal with it? Not here helping me thats for damn sure... he is off taking care of his more important responibilities....
Anyway as I said I am actually sitting here feeling more positive about my future than I have in some time. The reason is that after the visit between my little guy and his father I realized something...
I really am on my way to healing from this relationship. The resentment I was having about doing this alone wasn't so much about wanting to be with HIM it was more about not wanting to be alone. Honestly, this man doesn't git into my dream for my future. For whatever reason, he can't, he won't, he isn't ready, he doesn't want to. He isn't my dream man. This doesn't mean I don't love him. I still do. It does mean however that I can look at him with a totally new set of eyes. He isn't, he hasn't, offered the relationship I want, need or deserve.
I am not ready yet to get back out in the world of dating. I have a 3 month old who takes up most of my time and I am not willing to leave him with a baby sitter just yet (even the thought of letting him go with his father for a couple of hours gives me anxiety attacks!). I am however, finally truly and completely letting go of the old relationship and getting to the point of being able to move on into what ever the future has to offer.