March 28

I am experiencing an emotional storm~

It is such a mess this life I live~

My son's father has me so very confused. As I have written, he has sued me for joint custody of our little boy. I really was angry when he first had me served with the papers. I was resentful~ how dare he when he is the one that walked out on us and decided his responsibilities lay elsewhere.

Well I had time to start to adjust to the idea of sharing my son with him. Looked at possible ways in which we could do this where it would be best for our son and for both of us. So up until now, the father of my child has been given 4 days a week to visit our baby. These visits are only for an hour each. Not a lot of time but frequent and set up so that the two of them would have consistant contact.

We go to court in a coupe of weeks about what is going to happen in the future as far as contact between the two of them and the issue of joint custody.

So today, my sons father came for his visit. He arrived on time and was hoding the baby. Baby got fussy, Dad thought he was hugry. I had made sure that I fed the child JUST before he arrived so the baby wouldn't be hungry. Well anyway, the baby was still a little hungry ad he ate for a few minutes. While the baby ate, my daughter and sons father went and worked on her Pinewood Derby car. They came back into the room where I was an the baby was done eating and baby was in a good mood again. I went to hand the baby to his father and dad didn't want him. He sat here for several minutes not saying anything and then got up and said he was leaving.

Of his hour long visit, he stayed 22 minutes.

He wants this joint custody but he has developed a habit of no call/no shows (3 times now), arriving late (3 times as well), leaving after just 10 minutes one time and 20 minutes today, and cancelling a visit. Now in the grand scheme of things, the baby is too young to understand what Dad is doing~ but he isn't going to be this young for long. My son's father stayed with us for the first 3 weeks of his life, so "visits" have only been happening for 9 weeks and in that 9 weeks he has missed or cut short 9 visits.

It angers me. He wants his RIGHTS as this child's father. What about the child's rights? What about MY rights? I am pissed that he thinks his rights are more important than ours. It annoys me that I am forced to deal with this inconsiderate man.

I keep having to put aside my anger and resentment to make sure my son has his father involved in his life. But dammit, is it too much to expect him to show up when he is suppose to? Be on time? Stay the duration of the visit? He said in his declaration to the court that he wants to bond with our son. What bonding is happening when he is flaking on visits?

I understand how hard it is to be a noncustodial parents and have your visits with your children severelly limited. I have lived it for the last 6 years. And in six years I have cancelled exactly TWO visits. I don't think I have ever been late to pick the kids up (although I may have been a time or two) and NEVER EVER NEVER was I a no call no show. I take advantage of every minute I can get with my non custodial kids. I excercise my visitations, I take any extra minute that is available outside of the court ordered visiting times. I see the kids when I am sick, having a foul day, or any other thing that might be going on in life.

When I was sick a couple of weeks ago, I did't get to shirk my responsibility to the 2 kis who live with me. When I was feeling like crap and just wanted to sleep, I still had to get out of bed and get my daughter off to school, I had to change my son's diapers, I had to feed all of us, I had to be RESPONSIBLE. I didn't get a break.

Now with the car broke down, I am having to get up earlier so that I can get my daughter ready for school, get myself dressed (no driving to school in my jammies have to have on clothes) and then get the baby ready to go out in the brisk sometimes cold morning to walk my little one to school. Do I want to do that every morning? No way... but I am the parent and so I have to do it.
The other day, I had an appointment that the baby and I had to go to. I didn't have the option of driving to it. I did ask my son's father to give us a ride. He didn't respond until just an hour before our appointment. I had already made arraingments earlier in the morning because I didn't know if he was going to ignore me as he has done in the past. I got another ride and the boy and I went to the appointment. Where was the one who wants his RIGHTS? Who knows...

I know I sound like a total bitch. He does show up most of the time and he has gone to all the little guys doctors appointments, and he seems to act concerned. I guess I resent that this man gets to come in for a little while a few times a week and he doesn't seem to appreciate just how precious that time is.

Anyway... my vent for the day... I know I'll get over it. Tonight it is just frustrating.