Emails and Insanity

I made a mistake and sent out an email to everyone on my email friends list~ without realizing that my sons father was on the list. I just hadn't moved him off of the friends list after the last go around. So anyway, I sent out this email to everyone~ in part it said:

"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?"

I open my email this morning to see that he had responded...

"My last call would be to you..."

I didn't respond. Once more he is playing games. Why? You know I ask myself that... I really do not understand this man. He lives with his wife, he has made a choice that with her is where he belongs. It frustrates me to no end that he makes these little comments to me like this, when he has made it clear that he is not able to provide me with the commitment I want or need and his wife is where his commitment is.

What is happening, with each of these violations of boundaries, he snips at the threads of love that have held me connected to him for the past 25 years. I am discovering that the love he professes is not the type of love that I want or need in my life.

I dream of finding someone who will truly and honestly be a partner to me, someone who can be there for me as I learn to trust, as I learn to not be so insecure, as I move from being a hurt and wounded child to a confident and strong woman. Someone who has the strength of character to adhere to the promises they make to me and follow through on them. I know that out there, somewhere, God has a person for me that will be the person I need to have in my life to be my partner, to help me raise my children, to help me take care of my home, and will support me emotionally, financially and physically through what ever life may bring.

When my sons father had me served with the custody and visitation papers, I was devistated. It was the final shattering of all hope for me. I know today that no matter what he says, there is no action behind his words. No matter what words he may have written or said over the last two years, his actions have proven that he is not willing or able to have the relationship I desire.

Part of me is angry~

There were so many lives hurt by all that has transpired....