Today has been an icky day~

My brother left town this morning to go back home. It has been nice to have him here the last few days, sharing our grief and being together. It will be wierd to be alone all day now.

I went and had breakfast with my brother before he left~ Baby's Daddy came and joined us because Baby had to go to the doctor today. The man really confuses me~ he was talking to my brother and made a couple of comments that were "we" comments~ like "we" need to get me a new battery for my laptop. Where is the "we" in this? I need to get one... not "we" need to get one. Later he said he was going to get me one in a couple of weeks.

I am listening to my Mother~ before she passed she told me to suck up my pride and independent atttitude and take whatever he wants to give me. She was adament that I needed to stop refusing help from him and in her words "use him" for whatever he wants to contribute ESPECIALLY since he isn't paying child support. That conversation came about when I was showing her the camera he had bought me. So I am trying to remember that and not get all bent that he is doing stuff for me.

Part of me really wants to tell him to shove it~ I don't want anything from him except him being a responsible parent to our son. But Mom was right, if he is offering to give things that I don't have or that I need then I need to just swallow the urge to tell him to shove it and say thank you....

After breakfast with my brother "we" took the baby to get his circumcision. That was tough. Poor little guy just cried and cried. Baby's Daddy even teared up because baby was hurting. We were talking about shots and he tells me he doesn't do shots... so I guess I get to do those appointments by myself.

Not that that is a bad thing... but here he is acting like father of the year but doesn't want to have to do the icky parts of parenting like diaper changes, shots, and the like. I get to do all that on my own. Whatever....

I am really having a negative day~

I don't know what the future is going to hold for me... I am feeling very alone this afternoon. My Mom is gone, my brother has gone home, Baby's Daddy is out of my life except when there is something to do with baby... it is all just so different. I wish that Baby's Daddy would give me the permission to move out of state. It wouldn't change the circumstances but it would make for a whole new start in a new environment and make all the changes I have to deal with feel less traumatic.

We will have to wait and see what happens....