This afternoon brought about an interesting conversation. I was talking about the recent losses in my life and how all of the changes are affecting my life with a friend...

The biggest thing right now in my life is the loss of my Mom. I don't know how to even begin to cope with this. My dad passed away when I was 16 and that was pretty devistating~ this is worse. I am sitting here tonight wondering how life is going to be without her. She has lived with me for 13 years. She has been there for me through everything that has happened in my life over the last 13 years.

Along with that loss is having to move from our home, figure out what sort of relationship my baby's daddy and I might have after the break up, trying to decide if I stay here in my home town or move where my Ex-husband is taking our daughter... lots of stuff going on and all of it without my Mom.

Since this friend knows a lot about me, she asked how things were with my baby's daddy. Like I have been telling people since he started hanging around again back in November... it is wierd. It is really hard to explain. He is there to help me with whatever I need help with but he is living with his wife. We talk about the baby and keep it pretty much at that. There have been a few moments where we talked about more personal stuff but it is rare.

As we talked I realized a couple of things...

I feel stupid for calling him when my Mom was dying. I mean he showed up and was there and everything... but...

I think back and wonder why I called him... I know why... and I feel really stupid that I held on to even a smidgen of hope... I am humiliated that I turned to him during the crisis instead of standing up on my own two feet. He let me know after it was all over that he was there for our son, not for me. Why do I do this to myself? It is bordering on masochistic behavior.

I know that there is no future for him and I together... he has made that clear. I know that it is probably best for everyone and everything that we do just stay away from eachother... but it is difficult to do when we have a child together.

It all just sucks...

So I am sitting here in the middle of the night wondering how I am going to move on... life without Mom, life without him, moving... it is all so much to deal with.

I am really looking at how I might be able to reduce the amount of time I am around Baby's Daddy~ as much as I hate the thought of not being with the baby all the time~ I am thinking it might be better if I just go ahead and let him go with his dad instead of having his dad come to my house to visit.

The Lord knows that I need to figure out something that will protect my heart from this man...

My friend was supportive of the idea of me moving out of the area. She really thought it would be beneficial for me. Time will tell if I get to do it...