Life really sucks~ I really want my Mom! the night before my Mom passed away she was calling for her Mommy. I can so relate to that` when we are hurt, when life is falling apart, when we are scared... Mom is the one who is always there. At least that has been the way it is in my family. Right now I really want my Mommy~ if for no other reason than to hold me and let me cry.

So my son's father says he doesn't want us to move after saying he thought it was a good idea... so now I have to face living in this stupid town for however long... alone, no family left here, just a bunch of memories that bring heartache. My son and daughter will be far away, instead of seeing my daughter almost daily I will be lucky if I get one weekend a month. It hurts... I have not cancelled but 2 visits in the 6 years my Ex has had custody. Both of my kids drop in on non visit days to say hi and hang out. I drive my daughter to school almost every day~ and now I will get one weekend a month... all because I was SO FUCKING STUPID to believe the lies this man told me...

I love my son and would do anything for him (that is why I am staying here) but damn it, it isn't fair that I am having to stay here when I know this man is going to flake on visits just like he did the other day. It will go in spurts, I see the writing on the wall... I have to do all the nasty day to day stuff and his father will get him whenever it is convienant for him, not show up when it is inconvienant, and I have to stay here in case he decides to show up... how f'in fair is that? I will be the one calming a crying boy when his father doesn't show up and trying to explain why his dad didn't show up...

Oh I am sure his father will say that isn't the way it will be... but he doesn't know how to keep promises, follow through on vows, or put any one but HIMSELF first...

Tomorrow I have to start serious house hunting~ I don't want to move. I HATE THIS!

How does a mind stay together through all this? Just a quick run down of the last few months~ the relationship between my sons father and I has ended as far as a romantic relationship goes. That happened back in September~ there was a brief period from the end of November until the baby was born where he made promises of the relationship getting back together... but it never really happened. Then in November my Mom got sick and was in and out of the hospital. Of course she died last week. My Mom and I lived together the last 13 years~ then there is the change in finances with my Mom gone. There is no money... My son's father isn't paying any child support. Granted he has bought some diapers and stuff for the baby and that has helped... My Ex is moving the kids in June so far away... it is all just so much...

I was really looking forward to moving where my Ex is going. Not that I look forward to hanging out with my Ex... but a fresh start in a new place. I wouldn't have to worry about bumping into people at stores that would just bring me heart ache. I wouldn't have to deal with every place I go dredging up memories. I wouldn't have to worry about not being with my daughter... But no...
Because I thought someone was being honest when they said they loved me, because I believed vows he made... I ended up pregnant and now with a baby and because I was so stupid to believe him I am stuck here or I have to engage in a court battle~ something I just can't handle at this moment.

I sit here tonight feeling so defeated... my life is in total shambles.

I am angry too... angry that this man can have control over my life like this. He never really cared about me. He lied and lied and lied to me. He says I demonize him and that I don't take time to understand his motives... it seems the only motives he has is to see how far he can push me before he pushes me over the edge...