Can I PLEASE have 1 stress free day? Just one day that doesn't have some sort of detail about my Mom dying, some crap with my son or daughter's fathers in it, one day where I can just play in the house, clean it up and feel like I have some control over something in my life?

Today I had to deal with social security for my Mom, I had to deal with social services for me and the kids because without my Mom we are in serious financial trouble, when I picked the girls up from school, my oldest daughter's father called. He was having a fit because my daughter was with me. I told him he could come pick her up but that I was busy at the moment. He just cussed at me and was a jerk. So then I spent 2 hours at social services trying to get things taken care of.

Just about the time we were through my sons father called. My oldest daughter picked up the phone call, told him where we were and he hung up on her. FIne... as soon as I was done I called him, he didn't pick up the phone. I started driving and he calls. I picked up the call and asked him what he was calling for. I may have had a bit of attitude in my voice, I had had a long day by then.

Anyway I ended up hanging up on him because he wasn't saying anything except he was sorry he bothered me. Then he sends me a text saying he didn't know what was up my *** but he didn't deserve it. OK in part he probably didn't. But my patience had run out by then and I could not play the dancing game of words he was playing. After the text I sent him a couple. I wasn't very nice. So he shows up at my house with the insurance book that he had got in the mail. He stood in my livingroom, just standing there, not saying anything. I sort of ignored him. Finally he tossed the insurance book down in the playpen and left. Then at almost 8:30 he shows up to visit the baby. Fine... I let him in, handed him the baby and turned to my video game.

He stayed about 15 minutes and then handed me the baby and said he wasn't going to the baby's doctors appointment in the morning and I could text him about how the boy is doing. Whatever...
I am tired...

I love this guy with all my heart, but he just cannot give me what I need in life. He has things going on in his life that are just to complicated for me to even try and understand at this point in my life. I realize that this last time, the ending of our relationship was my fault. I made the choice to lock him out of my home and life. I needed to have reassurance and emotional support at that point. He didn't have it in him to give that to me. So he went back to his wife. The place he always goes. He says he isn't going back to her, that he is going back to "security" of the familare. But it doesn't seem that way to me.

Anyway, I just don't have it in me to play his game anymore. I want and need someone who isn't going to make promises... I need and want someone who doesn't need to because the actions speak for themselves. I don't know that I will find it... but for now even being alone is better than never knowing when he is going to be there for me or turn his back on me or say some totally hurtful thing.

It is just all too much...