Since I last wrote things have been chaotic.

I am looking for a place to live, with little progress. Getting worried about the whole situation~ but I know that the perfect place will come up if I am patient and keep looking. I think I may be asking for more than I will get as far as a house goes... Right now I am just overwhelmed that after looking at so many places we still haven't got one to call our own.

Thursday I had to go pick my Mom up from the mortuary. Well her ashes anyway. Doing that is so final... It hit me kind of hard. She is gone forever. I mean I knew it before that, but something about holding her ashed in my arms... Damn I miss her. For all my life, when things got bad, my Mom was always there for me. Anytime, day or night. When I went through my divorce 13 years ago, my Mom dropped her entire life~ left her house, her friends, everything behind in Idaho to come help me. She moved in with me, she watched my kids while I worked, when the chance to buy a house came up, she sold her house in Idaho so I could buy the house here. She was always there... now I really need her.. and she isn't here. I want my MOM!!!!!

The other day, a friend of mine told me that when we lose someone who is important in our lives, God doesn't leave us without anyone else. HE sends someone to help us through things. Not that anyone would replace the other person, but they are there to help us. I am not sure who is coming into my life to help me through this, but I sure wish they would show up soon because I am really needing someone.

On top of all this there is my son's father...

Last week we had the little tiff about me not wanting to be "friendly". So the day after that he gave me this letter saying he loved me and what have you. I started to let down my defenses with him. Hoping that maybe we could have a future together...

Last night I realized it will probably never come to pass.

I do believe he loves me. He has been there for me anytime I have called and needed him. He dropped everything to come be with me the night my Mom died, he went with me on Thursday to pick up her remains, and there are other times he has been there for me. Obviously he cares or he wouldn't be doing that stuff.

My Ex husband use to say something to me all the time... he said it usually to degrade and demean me, but thinking about it today~ he was right to some degree. He use to say "It's never enough Barbara is it?" It seems that I do have unrealistic expectations in relationships... I want 100% commitment physically, emotionally, financially... Yet I keep attracting men who for one reason or another are not able to give me that commitment. It seems that it is never enough.
I thought about my relationship with my Mom and Dad, since they say that oft times our adult relationships are repeats of child hood relationships with our parents. I think I see where that may have some truth in it. As a young child the family was a disaster. I can see, looking at my relationship with both of my parents back then, that I am repeating the relationship with these adult relationships. With my Ex-husband it was repeating the relationship with my Mom (long story and I will write about it later~ not today) with my sons father, that relationship is so like the relationship with my Dad and his relationship with my Mom.

I am not sure what I am going to do with this knowledge... I do know that I need to spend some time really looking at how I can heal myself from all of this stuff. I do desire a happy healthy relationship with a partner who will be 100% commited to me. But I know I will not find that until I can have a happy healthy relationship with myself that is 100% commited to loving myself first. Not narcissistic love... healthy love.