Tonight I find myself troubled over the thought of my baby boy growing up so fast. Today my little guy hit a couple of development milestones just a little ahead of time. Although I am very happy that he is growing and developing so well, there is a pang of regret.

As angry as I am at my son's father for the things he has done, I am also angry that because of his choices our son will be growing up without a father. I am angry that at some point in my son's life I am going to have to explain to him just what it is that his father did. With each of these developmental milestones, I know it is getting that much closer to the day when I will have to tell my baby things that he should never have to hear about one of his parents.

I am also feeling, I don't know how to explain it... disappointment? When I found out that I was pregnant with this little boy, his father and I were at one of the places in our relationship when things were pretty good. At least things looked like they were good. However now I know that it was during this time that this man was perpetrating unimaginable crimes.

I had thought that my son's that and I would be together for the rest ofour lives, I had thought we would be raising the baby together. Then... Six months pregnant, there was trouble. I could see it, feel it, I knew it. And so I asked the man to leave my home. All dreams of parenting the baby together were dashed.

Then 2 months later, the pregnancy hit some complications. My son's father once more became involved in our lives. He sat through numerous hospital stays for both myself and my Mom over the next two months. He was there every day. He was making empty promises that, although I doubted the sincerity behind them, I needed to believe at the time to be able to get through everything that was going on.

Then the baby was born. His father was there. Promises again made... he was going to move in with his son and I. While I was doubtful of it, again, I was willing to believe it. Especially as two days after our son was born my Mom was entered into the hospital... terminal lung disease that would leave her dead in a month.

Then it was just two days before his paternity leave was up at work. He had done nothing to make the change to leave his wife and move in with us, even though he was still saying that was his intention.

I had had it. I locked him out of the house. I was done. It was over. But over the next few months he would still make promises. I came to a point where I was no longer believing him, but it was easier to just go along with things.

Now, having talked to his wife, I see where he was lying to both of us to keep both worlds. I almost laughed out loud when his wife told me that he had told her that he had to "lead me on" to be able to have a relationship with his son. Well I guess in some ways, I suppose he was right. To be able to stop in whenever he wanted, whenever it was convienant for him, yeah he had to be lying to me and leading me on. Otherwise it was a strict schedule for visits between him and the baby.

Knowing what I know now, I wish like hell I had just made him stick to the schedule and never went with the path of least resistance. Without knowing it, I put my children in danger. Anger errupts inside me when I think about the fact that his wife KNEW during this time the risk he was and did nothing to protect anyone.

But I was unaware of his crimes then and I was trying with all my might to do the right thing for my son. I thought I knew that he loved the boy. Today I wonder if the man even knows anything about love. When I think about his crimes, I get physically ill. When I think that I loved him, that at one point in time I begged him to be part of my life, I am sickened.

I find myself feeling so guilty that I didn't SEE what he really was. The monster behind the mask.

My babies... my poor babies... my girls... my son... all suffer and will suffer for years and years because of my allowing this evil into our lives...