car is broke down

Back to last nights thoughts...

I was saying, I finally am starting to feel as though I deserve better than what this man has offered me to date.

I had been feeling so low and so worthless that I wondered if I was right in demanding that there be a REAL commitment to me from any man. Not even my own father gave me a real commitment~ he walked out of my life when I was 2. My Dad, step father but still DAD, went and died on me when I was 16. As an adult the major relationships I have been in have ended with the man in my life not being able to give me the commitment I wanted or needed.

I really had started to wonder if it was me... was this my punishment for some wrong doing?

So yesterday I had the opportunity to meet with my new therapist. She really helped me with this particular aspect of my life~ she told me that no matter what I may have or have not done in my life, I have value (ok so I have logical knowledge of that but not always emotional knowledge) AND if I am looking at a man as a possible partner in life I need to be able to identify specific things in which that man does to validate that I have value to him.

She said one of the first things to look at is if he uses what most people consider common courtesy. Arrives or calls when he says he will, calls if he is going to be late or as soon as he is able to get to a phone, introductuces me to people he has conversations with while we are out together, simple stuff like that. She says that if a guy isn't showing just basic common courtesy, then he is not appreciating me as a valuable person and cut and run right then and there.

I have "homework" to do before our next meeting. That is to identify what I think I deserve in a relationship. She was very specific that I am not to think about what other people tell me I "should" expect~ this is about what I feel I deserve as far as treatment by a partner and the interaction between he and I.

So since I don't know exactly WHAT I think I deserve~ she had a suggestion~ look at things that make me feel devalued or uncomfortable in a relationship and then use it as a guideline. This is homework that is going to have to wait a couple of days because...

I have other issues going on~ in and amongst all the other junk in my life right now~ my car is broke down.

I tell you what~ I need a break... At least a brief period of time without all the stress. When my water and gas were turned off the other day, it took me literally scraping every nickle and dime I could to get it paid. And still I was short. My goodness, one of those times when I just didn't know what I was going to do. Sitting down and crying was all I could do. Then as if by magic, there was the $69 I needed to pay the rest of the bill and get it turned back on. Obviously it wasn't magic~ but still... and don't get me wrong I am TOTALLY grateful that the money came as it did to get it taken care of... the STRESS of it. Had they just waited 24 hours it wouldn't have bee turned off at all and I wouldn't have had to stress over it for the 3 hours I did. Then 2 days later the car is broke down...

Anyway... that is my life at the moment.