Today was a pretty decent day. I spent most of the day resting. I still have this cold but it is a lot better now. During the day I did some thinking.

Instead of focusing on the negative things that have been so much a part of my life lately I took some time to be positive. I knew it was time to adjust my attitude. First thing I did was look at all the things I have to be grateful for in my life. There really is so much to be grateful for. From simple taken for granted things like this computer, the internet, electricity... then there are these wonderful people in my life. My children, my brother, my sister in law (brothers ex-wife), and just so many people who touch my life and bring me joy. It was an awesome way to start the day.

A little later but still early in the morning I talked with a friend. She is a BIG believer in positive thinking and the laws of attraction and that sort of thing. We spent a while talking about it. She had some really good ideas that I am focusing on trying.

The first thing she had me do was make a list of all the things my perfect house would have and how much it would cost and all that sort of stuff. So I did it. My perfect house is a three bedroom two bath home with a nice big livingroom a kitchen that has a dishwasher in it and either a good size breakfast nook or diningroom has a fenced yard a garage and it would be nice if it had either an easy to use attic or basement. I would like the bedrooms to all be big enough that two beds and accessory furniture fit comfortably in them and I also want good size closets. A coat closet and linen closet would be cool too. And finally I need the house to cost less than $750 a month.

After we had talked about the house she was really supportive with the losses in my life recently.

With my Mom, she reminded me that even if my Mom isn't here physically, her spirit is with me. She reminded me that it would be ok to talk to my Mom once in a while if I needed to. Like she said, even if my Mom isn't here, I KNOW what she would say, I know the comfort she would give me, I know how I would feel after talking to her. So I can still have my Mom here with me in spirit, in memory. There is still some sadness that she isn't her physically. I miss her so much. But thinking about what my friend said, I know she is right.

Then we hit on the one thing that has plagued me over the last 2 years... the relationship with my sons father. He isn't a horrible bad man. He just isn't the man I need in my life. He has commitments that lay other places, he isn't able to give me the commitment I need. I have been trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection for two years now.

I can't change the past. It is done. I have to deal with this man for the next 18 years at least since we created this child together~ So I have to get to a place where I can deal with him without all this raw emotion. I know it isn't going to be easy. But my friend had some great ideas.

So the first thing she said for me to do is to write him a letter. Not a letter I would send. One that was a pouring out of all the garbage that is in my head and heart. List all the negatives, list all the positives, tell stories of the good times and tell stories of the bad times, describe how all of it makes feel and so on. I started it, but set it to the side for a while because he was coming for a visit tonight with the baby and I didn't want to be a bitch when he showed up.

After that a couple of other things she suggested~

She wanted me to sit down and write out what my perfect relationship would look like. This is a tough one. I don't know what perfect would look like. I have had no relationships that were even close. They all were so screwed up... while we were talking she did help me come up with some things~

Emotionally and Physically Available is the first thing. Someone who is THERE emotionally and physically for me. It is something that I have NEVER had in a relationship. Oh there were brief periods of time in relationships where I had it, but it never lasted. I need someone who is strong enough to support me when I go through all of the emotional crap that I deal with. I am insecure, so my partner would need to be very reassuring when I got insecure. The only other thing that I could really put in there right now is that the person I would have a relationship with would be good with my kids. Who ever I might get involved with will be helping me raise my two little ones. He needs to be good with my babies.

The other thing she had me do was to create a visualization of how I could deal with my son's father in the future. She walked me through having contact with him where my heart wasn't being ripped apart. Like I told her, right now it isn't happening. Even us just talking about interactions had me feeling out of control. So I am going to work on this. It is almost PTSD type anxiety that comes up when I think about him or actually have to deal with him. Desensatization I guess...

Anyway...

I know I have to get over this man. There is still a part of my heart that wishes that he would do the things he promised and vowed to do. Logically I know if he was going to he would have already. I want to stop loving him. I want to just get over this relationship and be able to deal with him for our son and not have all the emotional stuff going on. I want to stop thinking about him all the time. I just want to be free... I don't know how to do it.

What comes to mind... a bible verse from Jeremiah 17:9... The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Who can understand it? I wish I could... I wish I could pray to God and feel like He was listening to me and able to fix this. I know he isn't listening to me. I have gone so far away from the path He wants me on. I know it. I know I can't turn to Him until I am able to let go of this married man and my obsession with him. Because until I do that God is not going to listen to my prayers....