It hurts

I sat here thinking~ being sick and feeling like crap has given me a lot of time to think since I can't seem to do anything to keep me busy.

So I thought...

I was thinking about my sons father. The whole relationship between he and I. I realized that he opted out of the relationship between us a long time ago. If he really wanted a relationship he would be doing everything in his power to make the relationship work. Instead he is with his wife, putting his efforts into that relationship.

I know I need to move on. He has made it clear through his actions that there is no "us". I had told him several times before when we were split up that his actions didn't match his words. I have hung on, hoping that his actions would match what he was saying. Because I do love him it leaves me really vulnerable to his words. Even when the words are in direct contrast to his actions. My heart wants to believe so much that my brain just doesn't process things right...

I think he gets some perverse pleasure from knowing that all he has to do is say he loves me and even though he brings less and less to the relationship, even though I feel lonely, disappointed, insecure, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry I still take him back. Where has my self esteem gone?

Because I know what he does to me is not ok. I know it is abusive. I know that it only hurts me. Yet I keep letting him back in to do it again and again. Why? This goes beyond just loving him. I know there must be something fundamentaly wrong with me that I allow him to keep doing this. Why do I play the push me pull you game? Because I know that it is my fault. It is a game that couldn't be played if I didn't allow it. So what is it that keeps me playing it?

A year ago he sent me an email... in it he said:

If you ever give me another chance - I will make these vows to you-
To put you first.
To openly share my feelings with you.
To attend couples counseling for however long it takes to create a partnership with you that fulfills us both.
To stand by you and weather the storms that may arise from your insecurities.
To earn (by action) your trust and ease your fears.

I wanted, with all my heart and all my soul, to believe those words. I love him so much that the thought of living without him hurts. So I wanted to believe.

Then in November he sent another email where he said "When I wrote you the email on Feb 20, I MEANT EVERY DAMN WORD and still do.". Again I wanted so much to believe him.

Other than going to 5 or 6 counseling sessions with me, he has not done any of the things he vowed to do. He is not with me and hasn't "been" with me since September 27, 2008. He has lived with his wife ever since then. Living with her, sleeping with her, being her husband. Oh yeah he did spend some time with me during the last part of the pregnancy and when our son was first born. But then he was back to his same behavior and back with his wife.

I know that I need to just move on...

This all hurts me so much....