After my sons father had left from the visit, I was feeling a little depressed. I did what I had to do why he was here, and that was to basically ignore him. I know this is what I need to do for myself right now, but it felt very unnatural. I wanted to talk to him. It took a lot to stay busy while he visited and not say anything to him. Past experience has taught me, that in dealing with this man, asking him why results in cold silent stares. He just can't seem to answer the questions. So it would have been an excercise in masochism.

I do wish he could answer some of the questions. I wonder if he even knows the answers...

I sat here tonight reading over old emails and letters he had given me. I realized just how very much the relationship that he and I have had with eachother has hurt me. I think about the broken promises and vows. I think about all the times he said he loves me... It is a mess. Last week he had given me a letter, in it he said that he loves me and that I have his heart, want it or not...

I wonder if he is telling his wife the same thing? Is that why she keeps taking him back when things get rough with us? Does he go to her with the same lines he tells me? I do not know. It seems that it would be the most logical conclusion.

I just don't understand it....

Tonight I am sitting here just feeling numbed by all of it. Since November he has been saying he loves me and wants to be with me and wants a future with me and he still lives with his wife. I finally made the decision that it is best to end things. I wish I had made that decision before we created this little boy.

Don't get me wrong I love my son with all my heart. He is a ray of sunshine in my otherwise dark life, like my other kids. This baby is really a blessing in my life. But with him comes...

A link to this man that will be forever. I had wanted to go to Oregon with my other kids when they move with their dad in June. It seemed like a good opportunity to start a new life. I had mentioned it to this man, he said it would probably be best for all if I did that. So I started to think I was going to be able to run away from this place and get a new start in my life.

Then after numerous requests to be allowed to move, in his letter last week he says that that comment was a knee jerk reaction and not what he really wanted. So I have to stay here or battle it out in court to be able to move. I am not sure what is the best way to deal with it. What bothers me the most is after all that has gone on, I don't know if he actually wants the move not to happen so his son stays here or if it is to have some control over and contact with me still.

I get frustrated... he has missed a couple of visits that he was suppose to be at. Although he had been calling before he comes over, he was visiting whenever he felt like it. No real schedule, this is because I didn't want to be a bitch. But it is crazy making, to never know when he might decide to show up. So I made a schedule and what does he do? Shows up 17 minutes late. Probably petty~ but it has me thinking is this just a pattern of what is to come? Visits missed, arriving late, wanting to "make up" visits when it is convienant for him...

So now I not only have to deal with what his actions have done to my heart but I have to deal with what this man's broken promises may do to our son. I know I have to figure out a way to deal with it so that I do not poison my son against his father with my frustration but at the same time be there for my son and be able to help him deal with the no shows and late shows that are going to happen as he gets older. There is no easy answer...

So much to deal with...

A friend of mine sent me a message she said "If he isn’t making any real efforts towards resolving his marriage to be with you, then he is not giving the respect you deserve and obviously not able or willing to fulfill all of your needs. If that’s the case, no matter how much it might hurt, the reality is you’d be better off finding someone who is willing and able."

It rips my heart apart to look and realize that two years of my life was based on lies. I am not saying he doesn't love me. I think in his own way he does. But for whatever reasons, he just is not able to leave his wife. I have said it before and he always says that I am wrong, but his connection, his devotion, his obligations, whatever you want to call it... it is with his wife. He cannot leave her for me for more than a few months at a time.

I know today that he will never leave her. I know today that I have to love myself enough to walk away from him. I wish like hell that I could walk away without ties... but in my stupidity, I wasn't using birth control and so...

Over the next days, weeks, months even I need to figure out how to have the contact that is needed to raise this child without the emotional upheavel that I feel every time I see him right now. I know time will help it.

You know, one of the questions I would absolutely love for him to answer is why he feels he needs to tell me he loves me or wants a future with me when he cannot/will not disolve his relationship with his wife? I know that I will never get the answer... Just as I know he will never leave her, actually follow through with divorcing her, and actually do what I would need for us to have a relationship.

It sucks... because despite all he has done, I do love him.

It is hard to release the dreams of "us" raising our son together. Sure we will raise him sort of together, sharing decisions about his future and such... but like tonight~ the baby is fussy, he is sick~ I get to deal with it alone. His dad isn't here to help with it. It would have been nice if "we" could have been in this together....

Speaking the words of wisdom of my very dear friend... LET IT GOOOOOooooooooo