It looks like this blog is safe from the stalkers so I will be posting again.

For those who were following I appologize again and look forward to sharing again with you. As you know if you had been following, the posts here are my sometimes troubled thoughts. For me writing out my troubled thoughts help me get them out of my head so I am not focused on them.

Right now life is full of things that bring troubled thoughts. As always there are issues with my kids. Being a mother of six always brings about some troubled thoughts. Right now I have several things going on with kids that are bringing about some troubled thoughts. In no order of particular importance, but all weighing on my mind, are my newest little addition and him not pooping regular. I know it is probably not a big deal but when you have a new baby, anytime they aren't doing what you think they should be doing as a Mom you get worried.

Then there is my 13 year old. She has been put into a special classroom for kids who do not do well in the normal classroom setting. I am really worried about her. She is failing all her classes and this move seems to be a last ditch effort to get her back on track. Added to that is her Dad's desire to move her to another state. I am so tired of fighting and I know I don't have the emotional fortitude to fight more right now. SO my little girl will be moving in a few months.

Then there is the broken relationship with my oldest son. He is making such poor choices in his life. I know that I need to keep distance between he and I because of the choices he is making, but as a Mom, it sucks. You want to fix things for your kids, but then when they make choices like he makes... it just really sucks and I worry about the boy.

My 17 year old is having trouble in school and may not graduate. He has always been a fantastic student, never having trouble in school. But this year, he is just struggling so much. All I can do is encourage him to catch up and do better. I worry about how he ended up where he is now with school, what is causing it and all that...

Along with all that is my Mom. For my regular readers, I had wrote before about her being sick and in the hospital. Well she is terminal. How long she has will depend on several facotrs but the bottom line is that if she takes her oxygene mask off right now, within a few minutes she would be dead. It is that bad.

There is a ton of thoughts and emotions that go along with her dying. Right now though... the biggest thing is that I am losing my best friend and confidant. Mom and I don't always get along and sometimes we flat out fight. But no matter what, over the 41 years of my life, when ever I have needed my Mom, she has been there for me. She listens, she hugs, she gives advice, she is just there...

This takes us to the failure of the relationship with my baby's daddy. Yeah on again off again is off again. It has been a tough road for the two of us. I really think things are over for good this time. I am so tired of it. I love him but... it has gotten to the point that the pain he brings my life is just overwhelming. He doesn't have the ability to give me what I need to feel safe and secure in our relationship. Then when I get worried and insecure he walks out emotionally or physically or both. He is only around and "in" the relationship when it is easy or convientant, running away when things get tough. When I say anything about it, it is like it just pushes further away.

Without my Mom here to lend a listening ear, give me little pep talks, and stuff like that I am even quicker to get tears. I am really worried about postpartum depression setting in because of situational depression and of course February is usually a depression month for me anyway with the bi-polar disorder...

So that is sort of where I am right now. Over stressed, way too much on my plate, and trying one day at a time to make it to the next day and hopefully get out from all this stuff that is so overwhelming to me...

Oh and did I mention that I have to move too?