Well...

Troubled Thoughts... I had an interesting experience with these the last few days. I chose to avoid putting much on to paper about them until I had a chance to sort through them a bit.

My good friend and I went to breakfast the other morning as has become our habit the last few months. She is such a strong woman and such an anchor for me. I do not know where I would be without having had here be there so much for me the last few months. Just an awesome and inspiring woman and I am so grateful to have her as a friend.

We got settled down to our breakfast~ and she asks how I am doing. I say fine and start telling her about the stuff the kids and I have been doing. All the activities that Elizabeth has been involved in and the stuff that I have been doing. She let me ramble~ then...

She asked me how I was dealing with other things. She told me that she was concerned because anytime she asks me how I am doing I say good, great, etc...

So we talked...

First about my Mom... I miss her so much sometimes. I have had to not think about it just to survive. Mom was my best friend. We fought like a couple of Tasmanian Devils at times. I can remember some really nasty fights. But no matter what, I always loved her and she always loved me.

I talked about the last big fight we had got into. Looking back~ Mom was right. (Don't you hate that? Mom's know a whole lot more than we ever give them credit for.) Mom had had enough of the garbage between my son's father and I. She was totally and completely exasperated at it all. So one day she let me have it. She was furious at what the relationship was doing to our family. Of course, I was very defensive of this man and Mom and I ended up not talking to each other for several weeks because of it.

Eventually we came to an understanding~ but that relationship was a sore spot for her until the day she died. She had gone from loving this man, treating him as one of her own children, to having nothing but contempt for him. That contempt for him affected our relationship. Even though there was an understanding between Mom and I... my relationship with this man... well it hurt my relationship with my Mom. I am forever sad that I didn't listen to her. I am also somewhat grateful that she was not here when we found out just what type of man he really was.

Mom would have been devastated to know what he did to her grandbabies and to other children. She also would have been angry, to the point that just the knowledge of what he had done might have killed her because of the stress.

The night before she died~ he rode in the ambulance with her. I think about it today and I wonder... I wonder why? Why act like he cared about her, knowing who he really is? I don't know... it makes me sad to know that one of the last memories she had before she passed was him... I feel bad that I even on her death bed, I made her deal with this guy.

But... I know that my Mom forgives me for it. She had such an amazing heart~ I do miss her ever so much. There are days when it is totally overwhelming. All I can do is go through the motions of making it through the day...

(More to come later... I have to deal with this emotional crap for a bit)