Rant

You may have seen that I had a rant session a bit ago~

I am in a fairly good mood given what I have dealt with today. I am going to do a little emotional throw up here though. I know that it is important for me to get it out of my head and onto the "paper" so that I do not let it all fester inside and become a pain in my arse.

I met with my therapist today. Now this is usually a good thing. But today, she forced me to take a look at things that I really have been trying to avoid dealing with.

One of the issues that we discussed today is that I have been functioning through all the stresses of this last year because in part I have not dealt with things. When thoughts of the crap that have happened come along, I get my thoughts onto other things so that I don't get caught up in the negative thinking.

My therapist has allowed me to do this. Knowing that I will deal with things in time. However, today she was concerned because of my reaction to her question~

She asked me "How are you feeling?" I looked at her and said "Pretty good" so then she says "Have you heard anything about Ron?"...

This is where her concern kicked in. I told her no, I hadn't heard anything and I don't want to hear anything until I hear that he has been convicted and that his sentence is long enough that I never have to deal with him again. I don't think it was what I said so much as the tone and body language she saw with my response.

She looked at me, when I responded and asked me again "How are you feeling?" Uggg....

Over all~ I am feeling pretty good. Life over all is good. In regards to "him"~ at that point I didn't know exactly what I felt. I am over the real anger. I am still hurt and disappointed.

Hurt at the violation of trust. As I told my therapist, I trusted this man with the most precious thing in my life, my children. And he violated them. I am angry at myself for not recognizing any warning signs at his depravity. I also am very angry at myself for letting him back in my life EVER but especially in February of 2008.

I had kicked him out, I had moved forward, I was dating, I was setting good boundries in my life. And then he sent that stupid email at valentines... telling me all the bullshit lies that I fell for hook line and sinker. I know looking back that I should have just ignored him. But I was stupid...

As my therapist and I talked...

Why am I avoiding so much of this stuff? Just stuffing it away until another day? It boils down to one basic element... In dealing with all of this stuff with MrStupid~ although he needs to be held accountable for his actions and my belief is that accountability really should be dying in prison. The bottom line is that he could NOT have done what he did to my babies if I had not allowed him in my life to start with. My daughter would not have been horrendously violated the way she was IF I had not let him in my life. My son would not be growing up without a father if I had not allowed him in my life. My other daughter wouldn't be so confused about things if I had not allowed this man in my life.

I am guilty of allowing him in my life and I am responsible for the hurt and pain my babies have gone through at the hands of this man.While he is culpable for his actions... I am just as culpable for becoming involve with him, allowing him access to my children, creating a child with him... all while he was cheating on his wife. I knew he was a liar. Yet for some stupid reason I thought he wasn't lying to me...

Like I told my therapist, I KNEW the relationship was wrong. I would find strength and push the man out of my life and then I would let him wiggle his way back in. I am SO stupid! And that is the bottom line... that is where it is at for me. Why I am avoiding dealing with all this. Because I am at fault for the injury this man did to my family. I failed to protect them. I put them in harms way. All because I believed the liar...